Whatever

Hmm, and here i stand, sit, well whatever be the case. But i am here and i feel i am "just-there". No love, no calmness, just being present with nothing really associated. It's that time of the month, when emotions get heightened, not what you're thinking. None of those wet dreams, masturbation nonsense. Just that time when you feel you just exist. Well, in my loneliness i have been mischievous coming out with punch lines a. Hey, why are you so pretty? Pretty lame i reckon b. How many are you?...Yeah i mean what i said. How many are you, these beautiful ones, How many? The last time a beatiful girl was in the JSS, you are the most current since then. You are really rare species aint ya? c. Well you tired i guess. That's what you get for being all so pretty. You never rest, you just shift from one's dream to the next. Well. aint been creative in this state. Whatever.

a boy girl thing

Poem: A heart is not a toy

A heart is not a play thing.
A heart is not a toy.
but if you want to be broken,
just give it to a boy!

boys, they like to play with things.
to see what makes them run.
but when it comes to kissing,
they do it just for fun.

boys, never give their hearts away.
they play girls for fools.
they wait until we give our hearts,
and then they play it cool.

you’ll wonder where he is at night.
you’ll wonder if he’s true.
one moment you’ll be happy,
the next you will be blue.

if you get a chance to see him,
your heart begins to dance.
you life revolves around him.
there’s nothing like romance.

and then it starts to happen.
you worry day and night.
you see my friend, you’re losing him.
it never turns out right!

boys are great though immature.
the price you pay is high.
he may seem sweet and gorgeous,
but remember he’s just a guy.

don’t fall in love with just a boy,
that takes a lot of nerve.
you need a man,
to get what you deserve.

so when you think you’ll be in love,
be careful if you can.
before you give your heart away,
make sure that he’s a man!! 

I read this poem just today, i believe written by a girl whose heart has been broken two or three times before. Well, truth, a heart is not a toy. But it sure also is not plastic or metal to e broken. The last time i checked it was spongy which means it can in no way be broken. i am very sane today so if you want a laugh you've come to the wrong place. But i write this piece featuring our very own special someone called "self". He thought it wise to come out with this considering the pitfalls in relationships and marriages of late. Gone are the days when all you had to do was stay at home, be a good child and if a boy; your dad will call you and inform you that they have found for you a sweet heart and that was it, you had absolutely no say in the matter but hey what do you have today or if a girl you learnt to be a good wife but playing second wife to your dad (nothing funny guys) cooking and washing his clothes and someday out of the blue some old and young men come to your house and the say they want you to come live with their son. The point is that love grew in marriage you never got or fell in love before then except in some extreme cases where it's all arranged. So i want to help us all, i'll go to the deep corners of my mind and find the file its a boy girl thing. OK i found it: Let's go way back,way back to when we were in creche or the kindergarten class and we just liked to have fun. Girls: At this age or stage and even beyond, all girls wanna do is play. And not just any games but they want to play dress-ups and family and cooking and others. All they want to do is play relationships. I'll make it clearer. At that age, all the girl wants to do is get her barbie doll well prettied up or she may do that to herself with her mums cosmetic products and look herself over in the mirror and see if she is pretty enough for any guy(at this time it's her dad). She also plays family where, if a boy happens to make the act they play mum and dad. He will go for work, that is leave her a while, as she tidies the play ground and also fakes some cooking steps. Then wait for him to come back and serve him his dish and ask of work and encourage him to take a bath and some other stuff(married people stuff). The shocking thing is that at that age she knows what marriage entails and acts it out to the letter. The guy who is featured in the whole act is just directed and he plays. He is all the time asking what the hell am i doing here. So at that tender age, where all kids do is play, girls do nothing but play relationship. Act out being the boyfriend or wife or single mother. That is why girls know a whole lot about marriage done guys can ever imagine. I dare you to ask a girl, eight(8) years of age about what to do about a problem in your marriage. She'll give you a solution, you just up-it or translate it to an adults mind and you have a solution.

Boys: At that age boys are also in to plays but this is not just any game but a game to win. Girls play for fun, guys play to win. We play and it is at this age that our competitive urge is lighted. Yes, we play games but it's to be the master of that game or to win the prize. I remember virtually killing myself in a football match between our area and a team from another hood. Yeah and we won, cos that is us. We just liked to play to win. And it pretty much continues. We play games, but unlike girls who don't make everything about relationship for guys everything becomes a game and we want to win. Our class at school becomes a game and we want to win, be the first in class for a particular course or subject, be the one to win the promotion the first to everything and we take it into relationships as we grow. We see that beautiful girl and we want to be the first to talk to her, the first to make her smile, the first to ask her out, the first date her, kiss her and it goes on. We are always competing, challenging ourselves or competing with friends or others. This gives us differing opinions or outlooks at relationships.

only in gh.

During the holiday yesterday, having the pleasure of not receiving a phone call or a visit from any of my perceived friends or the potential ones, i had a lengthy conversation with self.
Oh sure, we talked at length. But I'll share just one of the parts of it. The one about Ghanaian moments. There is this advert by the bitter-tasting making brewery company in Ghana, Club Beer. The advert considers a real Ghanaian moment and after ridiculing the Ghanaian way of life ends with the line, "You can't do this in Germany."
So I'll share one of them we talked about. Coming from church one Wednesday evening, in one of the many communities of Tema i saw an only in Ghana scene. People crossed the roads at a zebra crossing in tough flight. I mean the passengers were running. The last time i checked, the zebra crossing was the one part of the road where you could relax and take a stride in the road. But not in Ghana, crossing at these points is like crossing the motorway with one of those long vehicles and an i-don't-mind-killing-us-all 207 bus coming at tough speed(another Ghanaian word to describe terrific speed of cars) to just give u the Midas touch.
The other is of adverts, there is the epic,"4 sale" which is on most cars or for sale products. I'll share three of them i have seen.
At a taxi station, i saw this beautifully written "For hairing"
On a long vehicle at a car spraying shop(fitter shop) was, "yes we save a living God". I don't really wanna go into this but i figure it was written by our ...brethren.
Then the last and definitely not least,"Dog children for sale. Boys and girls available"
Only in gh man. I'll now get back into mischief, cheers.

Prez. Alhaj De-Bunk asked to retract statement.

Latest news reaching the Wiggies from the University of Ghana campus is that after the bold step of the Marketing students to investigate the words "Opening soon", the Religion students have also also picked up the statement by Prez. Alhaji De-Bunk, who in his profile update wrote,"...men fail God."
Interviewing Alfred Quartey, a level 300 Religion student of the University, and spokesperson of the angry students, he said the Prez. will have to retract his statement, since it was blasphemous and showed gross disrespect to the one true God. The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob; the same God also being the Father of Jesus and he who made a donkey talk.
"It is a very disrespectful statement, how can he say men fail God. In his fifteen or more years of education has he ever one time made the statement that he failed his teacher? That he took a report card and wrote fail, F and also add the one line of teachers 'there is more room for improvement' or 'sit up'? Never!! He has never done such a thing, if he can't say that about a pee-ing, farting, i-eat-when-i-am-hungry and do-secret-connections-to-escape-the-famous-bigmen-catcher-Anas, then why should you say men fail God.
"I tell you freshman, that God made all things, if he should have said anything it should be God fails us because he brought you here and he has the marking scheme to decide who fails.The wages of sin is death saith the Lord. Who decides the sin?It's God, he does the failing not you. Alhaj or whatever he calls himself, quickly retract that statement and ask Obinim or Kwaku Bonsam to pray for you" he explained angrily.
I must say that i am beaten to my wits end by this development, i and self will carry out further investigation to see what comes out of the issue. This is the freshman reporting for the Wiggies from the University of Ghana campus.

Marketting students of the University of Ghana investigate the words, "Opening Soon."

It has been reported that recently registered level 400 Marketing students of the University of Ghana have presented a proposal to do a thesis on the use of the catchy line "Opening Soon" by new shop owners.
Observations by the students revealed that most often than not, shop owners even when their shops are two months before done or being restocked get banners with the writing "Opening Soon" boldly written on them. Some not so rich shop owners write with chalk or charcoal on the shop walls the above mentioned words. The rich ones go to the extent of getting it imprinted in the dailies, on popular web pages and also inferior quality t-shirts that have a life-span of three months before they show their true colors as rags which they were in actual sense.
The students defended the need to carry out this research because, according to them no matter the means of displaying the above mentioned words, they still made a lot of sales during the initial opening of the shops. They make lots of sales and even get loyal customers in that phase of the opening of the shops.
"We therefore want to know what impact the words Opening Soon have on the general public and if it should be legal allowing shop owners use those words. This research would let us know what it is about the words and some other thing that come in when opening shops"
The supervising lecturers are however shocked at the students for proposing to carry out such research work. it is believed that some of them have shops with the above mentioned words displayed boldly on them.
Doctor Ophelia, a lecturer at the university, who has no shop to boast of added that,"It is a brilliant idea but there is one boy who won my heart on the need to carry out this research, he claimed that with use of the words Opening and Soon for all shops be it pharmaceutical, provision shops, school, church or whatever venture it is, people got attracted to the shops. It got me scared since this could be another form of "sakawa". I will personally fund this project since Ghanaians really need to be in the know of this act."

Students of University of Ghana thank Prof. Aryeetey.

Following the recent increase in school fees by the executive body of the University of Ghana, students have rushed out to show their deepest and sincerest appreciation by the act.
The students want to make a press conference very soon to show their appreciation, the only problem they say is that they don't have an S.R.C president but we will still get some significant members of the student populace to make it known to the governing body the joy they have brought in our lives.
Betty , a level 200 student of the University was overcome with joy at the turn of events. "For a major part of my life i have been made to go to school without really seeing the point. I have had to wake up in the mornings go to a class of mentally retarded students who want their developing brains to be quickly updated. I have had to bear their competitive nature and had my report card continuously filled with the unchanging phrase of teachers"there is more room for improvement". Incessant complains to my parents have always fallen on deaf ears-an expression that i learnt at school giving me the chance to insult my parents in the name of the queens language.
Now with this much increase in fees my parents will have no choice but allow me stay at home with them and catch up with myself.Thank you very much Prof. Aryeetey."

do it

“We regret more about the things that we did not do than the things that we did do. Get out of yourself and just do it. “

I read this in the daily and man was I pleased, truth is that I have been there seen it done, heard the stories.  At times I feel like the losers who sit behind their TV’s ten years down the line and say, Kojo? That guy was my mate in school, he sat next to me for three consecutive years. He was very funny, but he was a sharp-brain too, always soaked up in his books when he wasn’t making us laugh. Who would have thought him being the governor of the bank of Ghana; well he did found smart ways of making us making us surrender our money. Who would have thought him the president of that big organization; well he landed the position of the class prefect and he did do a good job at that. Who would have thought him the next drug baron, with a chain of hotels, restaurants and guesthouses; well he was doing one “connection” or another (Just like Pastor Koomson says that workers in the electricity company, ECG have done so many connections that when they hear connection they think they are being called). Who would have thought an armed robber; well he was very generous and never seemed to run out, I thought it was the fulfillment of the-more-you-give-the-more-get cliché.

Well if you don’t get it, I’ll let Russel Peters my very good friend say something before I continue;

Lets say in the next ten years, where the world is highly a global village and all kids from different races meet and talk. And the black kid says, ”My dad used to slap me so much that at a point he thought I no longer felt it. He was right. The next time I did something wrong he took me to his shop, made me carry a desktop set wearing a t-shirt that read; THEY ARE PORTABLE.” The Rastafarian kid will say, “That’s nothing,  my dad beat me so much that I thought I was Bob Marley, I wrote a song of liberation and freedom.” The Indian kid will say, “That is cool, my dad will say nothing till dinner. He’ll seve me an unusually large meal. He’ll then ask me questions whose answers are no. With each no , he’ll take part off my plate. At the end of the cross-examination my plate will be empty, he’ll then give me 5 grains if it is rice and a slice if yam. He’ll eat the rest.” And as they all share their stories the white kid will just sit there unable to share any. Why? It’s because his parents deprived of such memorable experiences of life. The point? White parents, please beat your kids.

So here I am having missed some of these childhood pranks and wishes. I am here today  to say like the man who was bold enough to give the quote but such a coward that he did not give his name that GET OUT OF YOURSELF AND JUST DO IT. I have my list but I have a to-do list that fits in all age or life categories, please try this.

Babies

  Shit in your pants, your diapers, whatever it is you’re wearing when your dad is carrying you. Don’t slack. An A+ if you get it on his shirt (like soak it) because later in life, that man will push you, beat you,  he will piss you off, eat all the food when you are the one who needs the proteins to grow well.

  Suck on a particular breast of your mother continuously or bite it continuously for a everyday for seven days to make a week. She’ll always remind you of this, you’ll also remember then and won’t need the newspapers and I’ll-hype-whatever-thing-called-holiday journalists to know that you have to make mothers day a special occasion for her.  

Toddlers

Ages 6-13

Soak the bed with urine,

Teenagers

Adults: 

Workers

Wives

Single women

Single men

Husbands

Grandfathers and mothers

Aunts and Uncles

 PS: Fortunately or unfortunately, in my 20+ years of being human, 200 years of being an alien and 2000 years of being a total idiot i have missed or not attained the levels or stages like single woman(since, not to state the obvious i am a freshman), please feel free and tigo-ish sharing your experience at that stage.